I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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