How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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