based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just had sex bonerless
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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