I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We need to get me chipped asap
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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