I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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