they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
