The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
