My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
