When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
