I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
