i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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