If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
