i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
