you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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