Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
