So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
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Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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