I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
