So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
