I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Randomize
