Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
