my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
this beer tastes like vomit already
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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