my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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