JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
