Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
