So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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