k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
