I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I have post one night stand depression
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
