She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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