I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
