is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
