I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
