if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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