i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
