It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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