Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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