Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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