Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
