I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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