my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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