So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
smell my finger.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
