I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
