I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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