I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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