John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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