He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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