is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
