So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
