I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
