There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
