You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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