remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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