My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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