If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
