I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
