That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
