fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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