I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
