I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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